Okay, folks, I’m  going to come right out and admit it.  I don’t get vampires.

Well, I mean, I get them — immortal dudes, sucking blood, pet peeves include garlic, wooden stakes, and sunlight — I just don’t get the appeal.  And by appeal, I specifically mean this weird romantic appeal that they seem to have with females.

I’ll come out right now and confess the obvious in telling you that I’m a geek, so I can completely understand the weird fanboyisms that I and those of my ilk have.  Star Trek was easily the coolest thing I’ve seen all year.  Last year, I was excited about Iron Man and the Dark Knight.  I got a kick out of 300, I loved the Lord of the Rings movies, and even though it was a horrible, horrible movie, I saw The Phantom Menace more times than I’ll admit to when sober.

So, yeah, I understand having a thing.  I just don’t get what it is with the ladies and their vampires.  I bring it up now because of all this Twilight stuff that’s getting the teenage girls all aflutter, but it’s hardly unique to this movie.  For years, the vampire has been this romantic figure, be it the Anne Rice novels or the old black and white movies where lady swoons so the caped immigrant can chow down on her jugular.

But what I don’t understand is why vampires.  I can explain all of my geek loves in pretty simple terms.

  • Star Trek: What doesn’t it have?  Spaceships!  That fly in space!  Exploring worlds that have never been seen!  Bold and brash heroes brandishing their laser pistols against the enemy!  An optimistic future where everyone can succeed and there’s no race or class system.  Star Trek is a geekboy utopia where you get to blow stuff up once in a while.
  • Superhero movies: Pure fantasy.  Every man dreams of being invincible, of being stronger than strong, of being admired.  It doesn’t matter if you have real superpowers like Spider-Man, or are just someone with really cool toys that make you nigh-invincible like Tony Stark or Bruce Wayne — who doesn’t want to be the hero?  And this extends to things like 300, the Bourne movies, and the Bond stories.  All about men not endowed with super powers, but keenly able to take advantage of their every sense and ability to appear to be able to do anything.
  • Lord of the Rings: Magic!  Heroes with infallible aim with a sword and a bow (and my axe)!  Evil rings than can make you invisible!  A hidden and unknown king who knows how to kick ass when necessary!  These are things that many young boys dream of, and you don’t necessarily grow out of it.  Awesome is timeless!
  • Star Wars: Take all of the above, and add magic ninjas with laser swords.  Dude.  Magic ninjas with laser swords!

Any man reading this is going to understand it.  They will nod.  And possibly say “Hell, yeah!” depending on present company.  We get this.

But Vampires?  Sure, I get the appeal to a guy: immortal superhuman cannibal monster!  It’s from that place that you get movies like Blade and Underworld.  Even The Lost Boys has a kickass vibe to it, despite the abundance of Coreys.

But I just don’t get Twilight.  I don’t get the female romanticism of the vampire.  What’s romantic about an immortal superhuman cannibal monster?

Meh, maybe I’ll never understand.  Maybe they think they can change him or something.

I’m just thankful I stopped getting bitten by vampires on Facebook.