I used to poo-poo this idea, but now I think I’m doing a 180 and going to go with it — what you drive speaks volumes about who you are.

My specific contention in this post is that if you drive a Hummer, you’re an asshole.

And if there’s someone I know how is reading this and thinking “Hey, wait, I drive a Hummer, but I’m not an asshole!”… Sorry. You’re an asshole.

Let’s examine this logically. Breaking it down:

  • Do you have a reason to drive a large off-road capable vehicle?

    • Maybe. If you live in a rural area with sketchy snow clearing, or need to actually drive off-road, or have roads that pretty much qualify as off-road… sure. Maybe you need to have a big-ass SUV. At least you need a 4×4, so I’ll grant you that. But if you live in Naperville, or Chicago, or Manhattan… well, sorry. You don’t need to drive a big off-road vehicle.

  • Okay, I don’t need to drive an off-road vehicle, but I do need to drive a big car because I have a kid/3 kids/a kid with a hockey/soccer/baseball/etc team

    • Hmm. Okay, for that you need an inefficient four wheel drive vehicle? Why won’t a minivan work? Minivans are easier for kids to get in and out of, they get better fuel economy. What justifies the big-ass SUV?

  • SUVs are safer than regular cars or vans.

    • No, they aren’t. I could point to multiple studies and articles, but why don’t you go to Google and type “are SUVs safer than cars?” You’ll see the results for yourself. Some folks contend that the drivers may be safer in an accident, but SUVs get into an awful lot of accidents, and you’re basically giving a big “screw you” to anyone unfortunate enough to have a run-in with you. We’re a society. A civilized society. These are not built on the precept of “Look out for number one”, no matter what you might think. When the majority begin to hold that opinion, you may find it an awful lot harder watching your back. Stop putting me at risk because you feel safer driving a behemoth.

Look, it’s this simple. If you choose to drive a giant SUV without a solid reason, you’re contributing to the problem. You’re increasing our dependence on foreign oil, you’re giving the finger to the environment, you’re increasing the likelihood of death for someone else should you get in an accident, and you’re encouraging the automakers to make more of these beasts.

But really, everything I said above applies to SUVs in general. But when it comes to Hummers, I have a special little pocket of hatred. Because, you see, when you choose to drive a hummer, you’re doing all of the above, plus you’re loudly declaring that it’s important to drive a status vehicle at the same time. One that is thoroughly unsuited to even performing as an off-road vehicle. So even if you have a strong, logical reason for driving an off-road vehicle, choosing a Hummer is really simply flipping the bird to the rest of society. Driving a status symbol is one thing, driving an awful, beastly, needlessly large and inefficient status symbol is even worse.

If you like this, you’ll love FUH2.