Robot Monkey Pants

I had this odd thought today. It was the end of a train of though, the weird little “what-if” games your mind plays with you. Well, at least, mine does, I don’t know if yours does. I don’t even know who you are. But, I digress.

I was opening a door. Specifically, a bathroom door as I was leaving. I’d just finished washing and drying my hands, and as I grasped the handle to open the door, I reflected on how I likely undid any significant benefit of washing my hands, given that not everyone who opened that door prior to my doing it washed their hands. That got me reflecting on how, if one were so inspired (and to remove any doubt, I promise I’m not so inspired), one could treat door handles with some sort of chemical agent to make people sick.
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Spent a beautiful sunny Sunday walking around the Lincoln Park Zoo and surrounding area in the city.

Violent Acres » Blog Archive » Rockstar Mommy: Utterly Brilliant? Or Dumb Attention Whore? Well, It Depends on Whether or Not You’ve Seen Her Pictures. All 10 Thousand of Them.

I’m a Violent Acres addict. I admit it. We still good? Okay, moving on.

V? WTF? There are times when I suspect you’re not a raging ball of angry, but are actually a shill to plug other sites. When you comment on and rage against the various blogs that supposedly irk you, you drive traffic to them. Stop introducing me to tripe like L’Undone, The Girl Who, The Rockstar Mommy, and (oh dear lord) the Mommybloggers. (Links intentionally not given, because they suck. And by suck, I mean SUUUUUUUCK. See? I can be articulate.)

Introduce me to something cool!

When you rail against these sites that are simply not worth railing against, you give them a boost, you suck people in, and you get them reading. Seriously, Dooce should be paying you royalty checks!

Okay, enough of what’s *wrong* with the great and expanding blogosphere. Show me what’s right with it. Drive some traffic somewhere worthwhile.

And, no, that’s not here. Jesus, even I know that.

I’m kind of oddly excited that it’s Cicada Time ’round these parts. Apparently, it’s a 17 year cycle for these things, which means I’ve never really experienced cicada broods aside from the common August annual occurrences. And the August ones can be *loud*, so I’m very curious as to what this early summer swarm will bring.

But then I remember I’m getting excited about a big pile of bugs and that straightens me out pretty quickly.

Viagra may aid jet-lagged travelers, study shows - Yahoo! News

Adult male hamsters given Viagra, also called sildenafil, recovered from jet lag up to 50 percent faster than hamsters that were not given it, the researchers said.

The scientists stopped giving the hamsters the highest dose they had been using in the experiment due to a certain side effect.

Why do I imagine this “certain side effect” somehow involves a poor little hamster whose feet can’t touch the cage floor?

An existential rambling.

I see stories about Ron Paul, I start to listen and think it makes sense. He’s not the Approved candidate. The media doesn’t want me to know about him. I’m not a libertarian, but he’s not a madman or an idiot, and that’s a plus.

Then I see stories about an organized effort to flood the sites I read like reddit and digg with Ron Paul stories. I realize this groundswell of support I was sensing may have simply been astroturf. I feel used.

Then I realize that the stories about the organized efforts may, in and of themselves, be a conspiracy by the big media who don’t want him recognized.

Then I think, what if I’m paranoid?

Or worse yet, a sheep.

Had this in front of me on the commute to work. Most awesome wing ever. Without it, this car would certainly go airborne.

Me, early ’90s:

Richard Coyle, as Jeff Murdoch in Coupling, early ’00s:

WTF is up with my hair?

I used to poo-poo this idea, but now I think I’m doing a 180 and going to go with it — what you drive speaks volumes about who you are.

My specific contention in this post is that if you drive a Hummer, you’re an asshole.

And if there’s someone I know how is reading this and thinking “Hey, wait, I drive a Hummer, but I’m not an asshole!”… Sorry. You’re an asshole.

Let’s examine this logically. Breaking it down:

• Do you have a reason to drive a large off-road capable vehicle?

Maybe. If you live in a rural area with sketchy snow clearing, or need to actually drive off-road, or have roads that pretty much qualify as off-road… sure. Maybe you need to have a big-ass SUV. At least you need a 4×4, so I’ll grant you that. But if you live in Naperville, or Chicago, or Manhattan… well, sorry. You don’t need to drive a big off-road vehicle.

• Okay, I don’t need to drive an off-road vehicle, but I do need to drive a big car because I have a kid/3 kids/a kid with a hockey/soccer/baseball/etc team

Hmm. Okay, for that you need an inefficient four wheel drive vehicle? Why won’t a minivan work? Minivans are easier for kids to get in and out of, they get better fuel economy. What justifies the big-ass SUV?

• SUVs are safer than regular cars or vans.

No, they aren’t. I could point to multiple studies and articles, but why don’t you go to Google and type “are SUVs safer than cars?” You’ll see the results for yourself. Some folks contend that the drivers may be safer in an accident, but SUVs get into an awful lot of accidents, and you’re basically giving a big “screw you” to anyone unfortunate enough to have a run-in with you. We’re a society. A civilized society. These are not built on the precept of “Look out for number one”, no matter what you might think. When the majority begin to hold that opinion, you may find it an awful lot harder watching your back. Stop putting me at risk because you feel safer driving a behemoth.

Look, it’s this simple. If you choose to drive a giant SUV without a solid reason, you’re contributing to the problem. You’re increasing our dependence on foreign oil, you’re giving the finger to the environment, you’re increasing the likelihood of death for someone else should you get in an accident, and you’re encouraging the automakers to make more of these beasts.

But really, everything I said above applies to SUVs in general. But when it comes to Hummers, I have a special little pocket of hatred. Because, you see, when you choose to drive a hummer, you’re doing all of the above, plus you’re loudly declaring that it’s important to drive a status vehicle at the same time. One that is thoroughly unsuited to even performing as an off-road vehicle. So even if you have a strong, logical reason for driving an off-road vehicle, choosing a Hummer is really simply flipping the bird to the rest of society. Driving a status symbol is one thing, driving an awful, beastly, needlessly large and inefficient status symbol is even worse.

If you like this, you’ll love FUH2.

Ugh. I’ve not been attending meetings, and I’ve not been a good boy. My scale at home puts me at having gained about 5 pounds since my last weigh-in. I’m not sure how accurate that is, but I don’t think I could handle stepping on the scale tomorrow and seeing how horrible it is officially.

I’m going to work in earnest and step on the scale for real next Wednesday morning.