George W. Bush, Oval Office

[Fade in. Oval office, George W. Bush behind desk.]

My fellow Americans.

In 2003 I and my administration orchestrated a poorly planned, immoral and possibly illegal invasion on Iraq. It’s over 3 years later, and we’re still there, despite the assurances from many in this administration of a swift victory. And while my rationale for invading Iraq changes from day to day, my plan for victory will never change: stay until we win, no matter how many lives are lost.

Every day, we are fostering more hatred for America. Every day, more terrorists are created by our actions.

I let Osama Bin Laden get away, I squandered the good will and sympathies of the world after September 11th, and instead of continuing what were promising relations with North Korea prior to 2001, I shut them out. They have now become a nuclear threat to the world.

I’ve cut taxes for the richest of the rich, all while increasing government spending. I now preside over the most bloated federal government in history, a seemingly insurmountable debt, and a deficit of heretofore unseen proportions, despite taking office with a budget surplus. I allowed the corporation formerly headed by my vice president to obtain no-bid contracts, and continue to allow them to do so despite knowing they have been fraudulently overbilling the American taxpayers.

I have lobbied for and signed laws authorizing me and my administration to disregard the constitution and the Geneva Conventions with regard to human rights. I have obtained the authority to spy on Americans without court approval, after I’d already been doing it for years. Whenever I don’t like what a particular law says, I change it to my liking via a signing statement, or simply disregard it completely.

I have done all this with the support of this Congress. I need a rubber stamp congress that will not hold me or my administration accountable. That’s why I support the Republican candidate in your state or district.

[Fade to black. Standard political ad legalese. Fade back in.]

[candidly to someone off camera]: Not that it really matters. We already control the vote count in the close states anyway.

[Fade to black.]